THE BARTENDER KNOWS #27
THE DANGEROUS SPRING (OR: HOW YOU KNOW YOUR PARTNER IS GOING TO BREAK UP WITH YOU).
Humans. Wow. Aren’t we just a bunch of strange and zany creatures?
I want to open this column with saying that I actually do like humans — a lot. I am simply compelled to point out some of our less-than-impressive foibles. Life is hard — and we make it more difficult for each other than it needs to be. Our baser nature prevails. Human beings love options. It’s a part of our survival instinct. It gets really ugly when we view other people as exchangeable bricks in the temple of our happiness. And no season more than Spring exposes these cracks in relationships. Everyone wants to fail upwards. They think there’s always a better option out there somewhere. Something about the season gets everyone all hot and bothered.
Here’s a list of examples (in no particular order) how to know your partner is about to flush you out for some fresher fruit. Take a hard drink, friends. This will be a bitter pill.
LOSING WEIGHT AND GETTING IN SHAPE
This is huge — probably the number one example of when a person is about to bounce out of a relationship. Self-improvement is a great thing. We all need to better ourselves in every facet. But if your partner is losing weight and getting in shape, they are molding themselves to leave your lazy ass and re-enter the dating pool. Now, there are some amendments to this theory I’d like to add. If you and your partner are working out together, then there’s hope. That is great for relationships. Each person should work to help each other through the tough times. Conversely, if a person totally lets themselves go, they might also want out of the union, but lack the bravery of taking the initiative to do so. But either way, yes, if your partner is losing weight, getting in shape, dressing better, and becoming more actualized— you, my friend, better get ready to order that table for one the next time you eat out.
TOO MANY “FRIEND NIGHTS OUT”
This is a giant red flag. Look, we all have friends. But after a certain age, do we really need to hang out with our friends all the time? I see young people wandering in groups of like eleven and think, “shit, I don’t even think I’ve had eleven actual friends in my entire life.” They can’t all be friends. People come in from out of town — great! You and your partner should take them out to a nice dinner. Old drinking buddy fresh from a nasty divorce? Take the poor bastard out for 15 whiskies. Best girlfriend getting married? Time for a ladies night out extravaganza of Apple-tini shots. There is a limit to this, however, especially if you, the partner, aren’t invited. There is something shady for sure going on in this equation. Freedom is freedom — and it’s great. But you’re about to get really free when your partner is still carrying on like they are single. Something is very wrong there.
THE CONTINUAL CRITIQUE
I just saw this happen walking over to the supermarket today. Let me paint the scene. Guy and girl walking down the street. Guy finishes his coffee. He goes over to a covered trash can, lifts the plastic cap and throws the cup in the trash. Pretty innocent, right? Good citizen. TWO seconds later…his girl says: “You had to lift up that trash can lid? Couldn’t you have put it into that one that doesn’t have a lid?”
Now what the fuck is that?!? We all know what this is. Nagging. Complaining. Critiquing. Some people don’t even know when they do it. But the person on the receiving end always knows when its happening. This kind of behavior can drive a person to murder. Rid-ic-ul-lous. It’s super cringe. My ex-wife used to pull this shit all the time. I’m talking about little stuff. It’s basically a passive-aggressive tactic to show irritation towards the other person without overtly starting a fight. As they say in New Orleans: “Don’t start none — there won’t be none.” Men and women both do this. But it shows there’s unhappiness underneath the surface. And the more the sun shines out this Spring, somebody is going to choose to fuck somebody who can keep their goddamn mouth shut.
PHONES AT DINNER
This is easy. Two people are out at dinner. No one is talking. Both are looking down on their phones. The relationship is already dead. 3 to 6 months — max. End of story.
- When one person consistently walks in front or ahead of the other person on the sidewalk. Whoever is the lead one will leave the other one eventually. Facts.
- More business trips than normal. Yep. That’s random hotel sex with other random people. Face it. It’s over.
- When Netflix and Chill evolves into Netflix and Pass Out.
- Long talks with old flames and/or friends of the opposite sex on the phone. This is commonly referred to as the “Boomerang Ass” Phenomenon. Also, the ‘checking out old friends on social media platforms’ move. That’s cheating without the flesh exchange. But the sex is in the mail.
Be forewarned, dear readers. Spring is the Dangerous Season. Pheromones are floating in the air. It’s been a long Winter. People are hungry — they want that nut. Some say: “the grass is always greener on the other side.”
I say: “The grass is always greener where you water it.”