I get this question all the time. Usually, men propose the question. Men are very curious. Some women are curious, but that happens only when they are under 30. For the ladies, that’s when the laundry list begins (you know what I mean). But men, shit, they can still remain Peter Pans. They just end up looking weird when they flat iron their hair like a front man in a Bon Jovi cover band from Trenton, New Jersey. (TBK NOTE: Men, don’t flat iron your hair.)

This week’s question is an amalgamation of several written in questions that I’ll just refine and report. So here we go:

Bartender. I want to fuck my bartender. What’s the best way of going about this? — Thank you, Sincerely, not a Bartender.

Ok. I have a very important question I’d like to ask you, Amalgamated Question Person. Ready for it?

Is your bartender (that you’d like a lewd moment with) a man or a woman?

I’ll start with the easiest answer. If your bartender is a man — yes, you can and will sleep with this person. In fact, most male, (straight) bartenders, will sleep with anything that walks into their establishment. I don’t want to demean my own species, but given enough time, men can ( and will) succumb to all sorts of environments. It’s a simple mix of intoxication, inflation and attention. Who wouldn’t like a drunken 20-something year old twinking her eyes at you as if she was the one who invented it? Even professional bartenders like myself can get pulled into these dangerous labyrinths.

So the answer is yes. Bartender men only got to their position because no other profession would have them. They are rarely currently married, almost always divorced, probably (hopefully) paying child support slash alimony and are seriously negotiating a life in Thailand. Ladies, tread lightly. There are diamonds in the rough — but you better be a goddamn good Spelunker.

The Lady Bartenders are a much more complicated story. These poor souls are the most BOY-FRIENDED UP creatures on the planet. I don’t blame them. 99.99999999999999999% of female bartenders (straight) are already taken. Or, at least, they will tell you that. I’ve even had a lady bartender tell me at the beginning of her shift that she had a boyfriend, only to change her story by the END of her shift and say that she’s just ‘dating’ people. It was a remarkable change of stance (it’s amazing what 14 shots will do to a persons willpower and logic).

I don’t blame this lady at all. Can you imagine what these bartenders have to deal with? Ugh. Think about it. The moment you go into work, not only do you have to listen to these half-wits bitching about their milk toast lives, sobbing audibly over 3$ beers, and THEN deal with the audacity that just because they gave you an extra dollar tip that maybe, just maybe, in some kind of unforeseen future, this might compel you, the lady bartender, to touch their decrepit dick in a dark room— it’s enough to warrant suicide.

Call me an ally.

So the answer is a hard NO. The lady bartender will not sleep with you. There are only three situations that a lady bartender will sleep with a customer.

  1. You were a customer, but now are leaving town. Like, forever leaving town. Consider it a key chain from a vacation destination — as if the key chain from a vacation destination was her pussy.
  2. She is very, very, very high on cocaine. Ladies, let’s all admit, this shit is like catnip to y’alls. It’s like a hall pass for adults — if hall passes were passed out equally at the Gates Of Purgatory.
  3. She is very, very, very depressed. You, my man, aren’t a person anymore. You, my man, are a penis-shaped Lexapro. She will not like what she had done, but the penetration might lead to some healthy sleeping patterns and a free breakfast.

It’s tough, Amalgamation Person, but it’s true. Shouldn’t you just look over at the person next to you drinking at the bar thinking the same thing and try asking them out?

Eh. Screw it. How else are you going to get free drinks tonight?





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Matthew D’Abate

Matthew D’Abate

Matthew D'Abate is a writer and host of @KILLTHECATRADIO. He is the founder of @LITERATESUNDAY and the bartender @THEBARTENDERKNOWS.