THE BARTENDER KNOWS #9
HOW TO BE A GOOD DRINKER.
Hi. Y’all know I talk shit all the time about bar managers. I also talk a lot of smack on bar owners. I’m aware I have a problem with authority. (NOTE: That’s a veiled confession of the hatred I have for my dead father. Yes, I have Daddy Issues. Me and all the 23 year old girls of the world). I will eventually get around to writing the definitive essay on why I mostly despise bar managers and owners. Today is not that day.
BUT. A very cool bar manager/owner specifically requested I address a serious bar issue. He told me to my face: “What about the shitty customers? Why don’t you write a column about them?” Well, dear sir, I have taken your concern to heart. You are right (and no, I’m not just writing this to curry favor for free drinks or a job in the future, but hey, you know…I’m local…I’m around). This topic must be discussed. So here we go:
HOW TO BE A GOOD CUSTOMER! Here at The Bartender Knows, we answer the deepest questions for all of you. Especially if it has to do with getting shit-faced. So without further ado, here are the worst things you should not do at a bar.
DO NOT ASK FOR A FUCKING BUYBACK.
This drives every bartender on the Earth crazy. Not just normal crazy, but like, “I’m going to kidnap you in a dirty white van, wrap you in duct tape and abandon your body across state lines” kind of crazy. The rule is this. Buy three drinks, you get a free one. Any bar that doesn’t allow that sucks. Any bartender that doesn’t do it probably works for a bar that sucks (so we shouldn’t completely blame the workers). But, if you ASK for a buyback, you, my friend, are a piece of shit customer. It’s rude. It’s uncouth. It’s cheap. It’s bad form. Don’t do it. Just don’t.
“WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK?”
AHHHH! I know you mean well. I get it. But any normal adult over drinking age should know what they like to drink. Why are you asking a perfect stranger what they like to drink? It’s weird. By the way, bartenders drink the most based drinks in the world. 9 times out of 10, they drink shots of Whiskey, Vodka, Fernet, or some other odd variations of a shot (I know there’s some Jäger people, but I think they just drink it because it’s kitsch). I get it if you’re perusing around the cocktail scene (poseur). But the average dive or sport bar? “What’s your favorite drink?” It tells us bartenders three things. One, this is your first time in a bar. Very exciting. Two, you’re underage. Three, you’ll probably vomit tonight and I should kick you out right now. But I won’t. Most of the time, the people who ask these questions have their button-up shirts poorly tucked into their beige Dockers or it’s women in groups wearing dildo crowns on a “girls night out.”
TOUCH MY FRUIT, YOU DIE.
This is gross. And yes, this happens more than you would actually believe. So the bartender spends most of the shift cutting limes, lemons, and oranges, all to prep for the day. You should be getting the freshest fruit in each well prepared cocktail. I have seen a person put their grubby fingers in the fruit tray (yes, even opening up the plastic flip top to do so) and claw out a piece of fruit. Thank you sir for not only contaminating my fresh citrus, but also proving that your parents raised you improperly. You don’t have to go to some manner school or what have you to not act like a hungry monkey and fuck with my citrus. We’re bartenders. We’re right here. We have the cleanest hands in all of human history. Let us do it. (Special Note: It’s not a hard or fast rule, but I will allow people to grab their own cocktail napkin or stir straw. This is not advisable all the time. Just pretend there’s an invisible wall between me and you and your hand will be severed off and you’ll have to explain your injury to people for the rest of your life. Oh, and second note, don’t touch your bartender, EVER. No. No. No. No. Thank you).
DON’T MAKE THE LADIES FEEL WEIRD.
This is for the fellas. I get it. You want to meet a girl tonight. No problem there. I don’t care how “Me Too” or “Time’s Up” this climate gets, people still want to fuck. Everybody wants to fuck somebody. It’s just the way it is. It’s okay. It’s biology. BUT — there are rules. Here’s a short cut for you budding Casanova’s out there. If there’s a large group of women, yes, you can approach — HOWEVER, most of the time it’s a bachelorette party or some other crazy dumb shit involving dildo crowns (see above). They want to just “stick with the girls” for the evening. “It’s all about us tonight, ladies” says the usually most single one (for good reason — I’ll let you guess the reasons). She will shame her friends for talking to you and even considering breaking off from the pack. So, be warned.
If there’s three women in a group, you might have a shot at conversation. Most of the time, there’s a third wheel that’s just along for the ride and isn’t as close as the other two. Give it a shot. If there’s two women, don’t even bother. They are there to talk about who they’re sleeping with or breaking up with. No room for you, buddy.
The solo girl thing is tricky. Thank GOD in America a woman can just go out after work and chill and not be bothered (trust me, in Paris, they look at a woman alone at a bar as either a nutcase or a total putain). BUT, on occasion, she too, is looking to fuck someone. So, all good. But remember, if you make any of these women feel uncomfortable, I’m personally going to throw you out of the bar joyfully with my bare hands.
NO MUSIC REQUESTS!
Us ACTUAL bartenders work really hard to provide you with a great atmosphere to party and have fun. This includes the music playlist (just using Spotify means you’re lazy or have no taste or both). Requests suck. Most of the time it’s for “Don’t Stop Believing” or some shitty trap-rap crap that totally destroys the mood. And juke boxes are the BANE of my existence. Here’s me playing a super deep cut Iggy Pop song and some douche bag throws on Nickelback. I mean, there’s a time and a place for all of that. But the bartender is the DJ, period, point blank. I provide the dope tunes and the drinks. You provide the money and whatever shitty cocaine you’re doing in the bathroom.
And can we talk about the people who wear ear phones in bars? Are you that insistent in living in a bubble? You don’t go to bars to drink. You go to bars to meet people, to talk, to dance, to whatever. If you want to sit by yourself, listen to your own music, totally distancing yourself from all of humanity, so be it. It’s much cheaper to just sit at your house and drink alone with a loaded gun.
And lastly,
LEAVE MY BAR BACK ALONE.
This dude probably doesn’t speak English. He’s traveled thousands of miles to get away from whatever country he’s sending those green dollar bills back to. He doesn’t need to deal with you asking him for shit just because I’m serving another customer. Wait your turn, you First World Problem piece of garbage.
Until next week, your fourth shot is on me.
